How to say "f-ing cold" in Arabic

I've been doing this bellydance thing for over five years now. So this weekend I'm bemoaning the fact that I don't know absolutely everything (this takes ALOT of bemoaning), and it occurs to me that I should learn Arabic. Alas, I'm already seeing that there might be some cultural complications in learning the language. For example, I can say hello (ah-lan), nice to meet you (forsa-sa-ee-dah), and peace be with you (moalakum-salam... or something to that extent). However, I can't yet say, "My apologies good sir for my state which is fucking freezing. I would like to save you from drowning in icebergs, but my feet have succumb to hypothermia in the last few seconds, and are now embedded in that ice cave, you betcha der ey."

While Madison quickly lept into the upper 50's last week, Hurley was still dwindling in the lower 20's. I'm sorry. It was dwindling in the 20's when I was protected by trees. Most people who experience the particular type of cold available near lakes end up saying, "I can't feel my face!" No, no foolish southerners. The problem next to Lake Superior is that you can feel your face way too much. There is an excess of face. And it is painful.

Not only is this face pain an indicator of just how cold it is out there, but so are the ice cliffs that have formed at the shoreline. As the waves come in water begins to solidify. Give this a few weeks, and ten foot walls have formed at the shore. The result is that most people not familiar with the phenomenon will look at the snow and think it's solid rock; when, in actuality, it's fairly unstable chunks of ice. It makes for quite the sight, but the stupid, adventurous part of me was having an internal conflict - trying to decide exactly how stupid it would be to just crawl out to the edge and snap a few National Geographic level photos. I discussed this with my naturalist father-in-law. "Stupid", he said. Rats.

There's an unwritten rule of nature and motorized vehicles that says if a person washes their car it will rain in the next 24 hours. Apparently a similar rule exists for winter wear, because upon dropping $50 on some extremely warm mittens and cap, we witnessed 45 degree weather the next day. It is currently in the 60's here in Madison. Again. Rats.

Thankfully, the warming weather means that my new Arabic skills may become more useful. No doubt this summer I will be able to use the phrase, "Thanks be to God that my air conditioner has not broken down. Peace be upon you who are unfortunate enough to have had your thighs melt together from this unholy blaze." I think it might still be a while before I can say that one.