Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A New Wiccan Holiday

I know I'm supposed to use January to wind down from Yule... wait, I'm sorry. I got that mixed up. Wind down from Christmas. Yule was delightfully relaxing. Not to mention a whomping good party. I maintain that if I were sitting in church on the solstice mumbling and fake-singing hymns and looked out the window to see the Pagans whooping it up around a bonfire with ice lanterns, huge puppets, drums, and hot chocolate & apple cider, I'd be the first one leaping over old ladies to get out the doors and join in (To my Christian readers: Yes, I feel that Pagans hold awesome parties. Alas, it's pretty amazing that we can get organized enough to even hold them. I believe that that ball of talent falls in the Christian court.). 

Despite all of that, and Imbolc coming up on February 2nd, I feel that we're missing a weight-loss holiday. "Poundakilowaya", we'll call it (to satisfy all metric and non-metric believers alike)! Upon waking on Poundakilowaya, all shall set up their altars around their scales. A banishing ritual shall be performed, after which point there shall be the reading of the set-up instructions by the Priestess, followed by the Priest chanting the sacred un-rhyme: 

Oh, Great Lord and Lady
May we cleanse our bodies
May we find harmony on the scale
And may we get this damned thing to show my BMI!
By the power of frickin' fire all to heck! Why is this thing blinking!?
All I want, Mighty Gods, is to see my weight!
What do you MEAN entry not recognized!?
Screw you evil electronic spawn of digital madness!!!
...Blessed Be.

The feasting shall begin, and end quickly as each participant finishes their quarter celery stick and Dixie cup of water. The morning ritual shall end with each participant stepping onto the scale and asking the gods to show mercy on them and their bodies for the coming year. This ritual shall be repeated again at lunch and dusk, or as is needed depending on the cruelty of said scale. 

Poundakilawaya shall also be celebrated by group visits to local YMCA's. Ellipticals shall be consecrated. Treadmills shall be cleansed. And weights, upon trying to be lifted but only being able to be moved one inch high enough to fall off the rack and be dropped on a foot, shall be left alone.

A High Priestess upon seeing that the Poundakilawaya ritual has worked.
A Merry Poundakilawaya to all who celebrate it this month of January. Know that I, my weight journal, celery sticks, and BMI scale are all right there with you.


P.S. I really do have TONS of photos from the last few months. The new computer's supposed to get here in about two weeks, so we'll see if HP comes through.

7 comments:

AlphaBetsy said...

Hahaha...this is definitely a holiday that I can relate to. I will be there with you, celery and all.

Ceres said...

*snerk*

Ducky said...

Mmm celery!

Scales are evil....

Leeanna said...

Okay darlin, I hope you read this. You have been tagged. So go to my trash talking blog http://canwehaveanewwitchoursmelted.blogspot.com/ and read the ruls on my latest entry and do that shit you do so well. Have fun with it.

Wizardess said...

Heh...go vegan & weight loss happens automatically. There's a Tarot give-away at my blog!! Come see:
http://gooutbeneaththenakednight.blogspot.com

Mary C. said...

Oh my god I love your poem! I want to read it on my podcast (giving you total credit, of course!). Let me know if you'd rather I didn't! YIP! Mary (www.yippodcast.com)

The Belly Dancer said...

I love your blog! New follower. I love belly dancing too! And your profile pic is so very cool, I really like fairies, I like drawing them and belly dancers too of course!